I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
