you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
