I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
