I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
