I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
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You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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