We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
