got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
