so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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