wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
