I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
