I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
