its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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