moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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