there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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