Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
