WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
