He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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