how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
