Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
