I'd wear matching sweaters with you
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
