I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
