We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
