I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
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You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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