My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My ass is underappreciated
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
