I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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