Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
