I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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