I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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