I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
