everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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