just tell him i said nine months
I think my vagina is haunted
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
