So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
