Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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