fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
