My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
