I hate your face
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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