Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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