I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
