I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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