Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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