Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
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The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
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SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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