you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
