I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
