he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
