consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
