I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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