I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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