alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
