I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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