Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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