I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
