I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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