i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
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you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
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Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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