Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
