When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
