so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
