You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
